“Waitress”
2007
**½ out of ****
Director: Adrienne Shelly
Cast: Keri Russell, Nathan Fillion, Cheryl Hines


I want to start this review by saying that I never got to see “Waitress” back when it was released in theaters. I desperately wanted to see it, but due that all of the theaters that are near me are either mainstream or shitty theaters, we never got it. Hell, we even BEGGED them to get “Across the Universe” and we were straight-up lucky to get that. But “Waitress” is one of those movies that deserve a standing ovation by a few people. It’s not everyday when someone can display a movie like “Waitress” in a somewhat comedic form.

The purpose of “Waitress” is to show just how much an unwanted pregnancy can affect someone’s life. Whereas Judd Apatow used it just to be comedy, Adrienne Shelly uses unwanted pregnancy to use it as a dramedy, plus a much serious issue. It’s more than an unwanted pregnancy. It’s an unwanted marriage where there is spousal abuse and there is unwanted pregnancy thrown right into the bake mix. “Waitress” has balls for doing what it done, but it could have been a lot more in the process.

Jenna (Keri Russell) is an unhappily married waitress. Her husband is Earl (Jeremy Sisto). She barely can make out on what she has in money. A pie-baking contest is coming up, so Jenna hopes that she can win it and leave Earl. She becomes pregnant, which causes nine months of hell. In this nine months time, Jenna plans for the pie-baking contest, helps her friend Dawn (Adrienne Shelly) find a relationship with a man who has a way with poetry (Eddie Jemison), and cheats on her husband with married Dr. Pomatter (Nathan Fillion).

The movie, at times, can be excruciating to watch. It’s boring and sometimes it takes a while to get into. The script, written by Shelly, has a few problems with it that could have been cleared up if Shelly allowed the stars to improvise a bit, especially the relationships between Russell, Hines, and Shelly. There are some highs and lows within the movie. The script is slacking in some parts, but in others it picks up.

“Waitress” also uses the topic of spousal abuse in a comedy. It’s different than “Norbit,” which used spousal abuse as trying to be funny, but “Waitress” switches in between from being a comedy to a serious film. In one of the ending scenes, Russell’s character leaves her husband, but that only causes him to get enraged. While the guards and doctors are holding him down and pulling him out of the room, she just sits there and looking like the entire thing was trying to be funny and making faces to her baby.

Did I just give away the ending? No, because that’s another problem in the script.

“Waitress” has more endings than “Return of the King.” Say it ain’t so? That was the biggest problem in the script. A movie that could have ended with just one ending ends with about ten of them. With a full bladder, I sat there asking when the film would be over, and each time the movie ended, it began again. It may have given me a bladder problem just watching all of the endings.

The performances in “Waitress” are generally okay. They’re nothing special but nor do they need to be. The highlight here is Keri Russell. Her character works because she can act like it works. “Waitress” is also given the efforts of Cheryl Hines, who played one of Russell’s co-workers and friends. I brought up the improvising part because if you have ever seen “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” you all know how she can drum up a conversation. Even Nathan Fillion, who can’t even seem to get his fifteen minutes of fame, does a decent job in the film.

But “Waitress” hates its characters. Instead of just letting us get to know them in a positive way, we get to know them as hateful and despicable that they can be. They even let you know that they want you to hate them. Shelly’s character is so miserable that she does five minute dates, just because she doesn’t want anyone to waste the rest of her time. It’s like “Napoleon Dynamite;” all we want to know is the characters, but the characters spit in your face and tell you to get the hell away from them.

But there is a highlight in “Waitress.” When it wants to be funny, it’s funny. There is Andy Griffith, who adds onto a lot of the fun as one of Russell’s characters. The nerdy Eddie Jamison just reciting poems for the entire screen-time is worth the price. He’s actually one of the few likeable characters here that deserve the screen-time he gets. The setting is pretty looking too, as that is always a plus.

“Waitress” can be a much better film if there was more work that was put into it, but I think “Waitress” has a reason to it. Shelly was killed while it was in the post-production stage. Some people may say that this film would be Shelly’s last “bang,” but if she was still alive, I think it would have been much, much better.


“I Know Who Killed Me”
2007
*** out of ****
Director: Chris Sivertson
Cast: Lindsay Lohan, Neal McDonough, Brian Geraghty


The hardest part about being a film critic is that you always have to tell the truth. No matter how much it kills you, you must keep in mind that you have people that read your stuff. If you want to like a movie that everyone else likes and you just don’t like it, you must tell the truth. You can’t go along with the crowd (like most movie critics). If you see a movie that you think will suck and you end up liking it, then you have to tell the truth. That’s something that a film critic doesn’t do. They will go along with the crowd. They’re all in it for themselves.

“I Know Who Killed Me” is one of those instances where you hope that the movie will suck, but it turns out to be pretty good. You want to hate it because of the stars. People are counting on you to bash this movie. They’re even looking for a Lindsay Lohan rant. If you don’t give it to them, you are going to lose tens, maybe twenties of readers. You are caught in a dilemma between if you should do it or shouldn’t do it. The pros and the cons of this situation are almost equal. Do you tell the truth and be hated, or lie and be liked?

Sorry guys, I’m going to tell the truth. There will be no Lohan rant. There will be no dissing. There won’t even be one of those times where I scream my two infamous words. I’m going to lose readers. I’m going to lose fans. I’m going to be hated. Screw it, I’m hated enough and I’m still surprised by the fact that I even HAVE readers and fans. If you don’t like it, then I got four words for you…

Piss off, fuck-face.

“I Know Who Killed Me” is bad, bad, so bad that I can’t even try to describe how bad it is. It’s the movie that has been calling for Lindsay Lohan’s career. It’s like Kermit the Frog was picking his nose and all of the bad stuff came out of it and he left the good stuff for later. “I Know Who Killed Me” is all of the bad stuff in the snot.

Maybe I should explain myself a bit farther. “I Know Who Killed Me” is a bad movie. Hell, I’ll be the first one to admit that the movie sucks more than Lindsay Lohan herself. BUT while it does suck, it is one hell of a time, and I just had one hell of a time watching it. The movie doesn’t even know if it’s a comedy or a horror movie, and when they get each other mixed up, it’s hilarious. There are so many plot-holes and fuck-ups that it makes “Plan 9 from Outer Space” look like a fucking genius. For one of the stupidest movies ever, I don’t think I’ve had fun like this.

Audrey Fleming (Lindsay Lohan) has it all – she’s doing awesome in school and she has a boyfriend who gives her roses. One night at a football game, she gets kidnapped, tortured, and maimed. Two weeks later, she is found on the side of a road. When she wakes up in the hospital, not only are one arm and one leg missing, but her name isn’t Audrey Fleming anymore – she’s Dakota Moss, stripper and daughter of a crack addict. When she is questioned by psychiatrists and the “fuzz,” she talks to them like they’re retards and she’s the almighty smart one, especially when they ask her what her name is.

That’s only half of the fun. For the rest of the movie, they call her Audrey and she tries to convince them that she’s really Dakota. She does anything in her power – she sleeps with Audrey’s boyfriend, smokes with her mom, and plays games with her ovaries. You know what this sounds like? Another biopic of Lindsay Lohan! It’s like you can do a double feature of this and “Georgia Rule” and you will know her entire life story like the back of your hand.

Warning: No hand relief here, either.

But even though it seems like I’m really taking a piss all over Lohan’s tree-stump, rest assured you that her tree-stump is only filled with bird-shit and those damn leaves. She actually does a decent job here. She’s kind of convincing and seems to be the only one in the movie to know not to play it seriously. You don’t know how badly I was ready to shit on her for actually being in this movie. I even had jokes written out so I would just have to copy and paste them onto the Microsoft Word document that I’m typing into. But hell, if Lindsay Lohan’s greatest fear even says she does a decent job, then you know that there is something about this movie that just seems abnormal. It’s kind of hard to make fun of Lindsay Blow-han when she does everything right.

But I have one complaint with “I Know Who Killed Me.” The movie sucks unbelievable balls, and that’s the reason why I’m taking off one star. If it was a good movie, I would have acclaimed it. But I can’t recommend it as a serious movie. Should it be watched? This is one for the buddies to choose. If you guys want to get drunk and have a good time, be my guest. But you’ll either thank me or regret it. “I Know Who Killed Me” is one of the worst movies that I’ve seen in a good time, but it’s still a lot of fun if you watch it with someone.

I didn’t have anyone to watch it with, so I pulled out my little buddy to watch it with me, as he’s a big fan of Lohan.

I kid, I kid. Okay, he’s a big fan of the old Lindsay.


“Hot Rod”
2007
***½ out of ****
Director: Akiva Schaffer
Cast: Andy Samberg, Isla Fisher, Bill Hader


“I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.” – Steve Carell, “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy”


The attack of the rated R comedies in the past few years has undoubtedly become successful. Whether if it was the shitty “Wedding Crashers” or the almost perfect “40 Year Old Virgin,” there are always those films that can go as far as possible to retrieve a rating and use it to their advantage. Hell, just this year alone, two comedies produced (and one directed) by the same guy made alone at least a hundred-million at least. The guy couldn’t even buy a fucking TV show seven years ago, and now, he’s sleeping in his own filth.

But there are the attack of the PG-13 rated movies that everyone and their kids seem to enjoy. Unlike rated R comedies, PG-13 can’t get away with much stuff, like sex and language that the know-it-all kindergarteners on the playground are always using. It’s a disadvantage, but even Hollywood is seeing the cash being put into their pockets. The problem is that everyone who liked watching PG-13 movies back in the day are all going to see R movies. These R movies are things that everyone is noticing now. Instead of laughing at stupid jokes, we are too busy paying to listen to some guy talking about humping the shit out of this lady while his dog was licking his ass. We find it funny the first, the second, and the third times that we watch them.

Did you know that a good percentage of movies that come out a year are PG-13? Some of them are romance films, big-time blockbusters, and shitty horror remakes, and at the very bottom of the very long list is the very genre called comedies. PG-13 comedies can’t even find their own place in the world anymore, just because everyone hates them. Maybe it’s just because that they aren’t as dirty as R-rated comedies, or just because they aren’t THAT funny. But whatever it is, a PG-13 comedy gets people’s panties into a bunch, including mine.

I’m sorry Jack, that’s how it’s always been, and that will always stay the same.

You will never see me call a comedy worthless. Sure, there will be times where I call a comedy funny, and sucky, but never worthless. Even the shittiest of comedies that came out this year like “Epic Movie” will never be classified as worthless. I won’t call comedy films worthless just because I know that everyone’s taste in comedy is different. Maybe one person likes a movie like “Epic Movie” while another person has a boner over a film like “Borat.” You can never call a taste in comedy bad and reeking without class, but you can call a comedy bad and unfunny.

But the one thing that is clearly evident with PG-13 rated comedies is that they are never realistic, whereas rated R comedies always seem realistic. Do you ever see a PG-13 comedy like “Little Man” turn out real? No, you’re fucking listening to your sister talking about her friend getting knocked up while drunk. It’s no fun anymore without stupid PG-13 comedies in our lives. How else can we figure out a time to turn off our minds and watch something that is almost as dumb as putting Michael Bay in charge with the “Friday the 13th?” I’ll be waiting for your response.

And someone in their right mind actually dreamt up the perfect PG-13 comedy. Sure, it’s just stupid and the idea sounds funnier on paper, but it’s one of the couple PG-13 comedies that actually work. It knows that it is here to say that it is wack, and it knows that we know that it knows it is here to say that it’s wack. But it seems like that the film that I’m here to talk about went under your radar after a certain movie starring Adam Sandler and Fatboy, so it never got your money, your attention, and your respect. And now, all of you sons of bitches will whine that “Hot Rod” is the next “Napoleon Dynamite,” just because we never paid attention to it in theaters.

“Hot Rod” is stupid and totally unrealistic, but that’s the point dammit. A film like “Hot Rod” can’t be viewed without a brain put on silent. It’s like Lindsay Lohan taking a Lindsay Lohan joke seriously. “Oh, come on pa. Those reporters are only kidding! Crawl back into that little hole of yours for two more years,” she’ll say after the joke is all said and done. That is what “Hot Rod” is about. A little movie that will break the bounds of being stupid and funny, “Hot Rod” will sure make a great little rental of yours one day.

Rod Kimble (Andy Samberg) is an inspired stuntman, after the stories his mom (Sissy Spacek) told him back in the day about his father being a stuntman for Evil Knievel. After his father died in a stunt-crash, his mom gets remarried to Frank (Ian McShane), who has a son of his own named Kevin (Jorma Taccone). While Rod would rather spend time with his “crew” all day (Bill Hader, Danny R. McBride, and Taccone), he’ll start shit with his step-father and later get his ass kicked. It’s kind of like Rod’s just trying to twist his step-father’s balls in order to get punched in the face a few times. Who knows and who cares? Enjoy the fucking movie.

But then his step-father becomes very ill, and it turns out that his health insurance won’t require the surgery he’ll need to get better. Rod finds out that the only way that he can kick Frank’s ass before he dies is to raise fifty-grand for the surgery. So what does Rod decide to do? What he does best, do stunts on his little bike. Of course, that was sarcasm. Every little waken stunt this guy does goes horribly wrong. It’s like Rocky gets into the ring a seventh time and breaks his back trying to stand up. But Rod decides to jump fifteen buses in order to get fifty-grand to save his step-father. With the help of his friends and the girl next door (Isla Fisher), he is set out to achieve the dream.

The best part about this movie is that it is so unrealistic that it’ll use it to its advantage. The girl next door has been living next to Rod for almost his entire life, but no one seems to notice it throughout the movie until one little scene. It’s not like Rod even makes mention of it afterwards. We really cannot get enough of this guy after we meet him. He’s the guy we never want to be like, but he’s the guy that we all know. He’s a wannabe that just wants more from his life. It worked in “Hairspray,” so why can’t it work here?

Prior to watching this movie, I watched three other PG-13 comedies. The first two were the Will Ferrell comedy classics “Anchorman” and “Talladega Nights.” While I still think that “Nights” should have been much funnier, nothing can be better than “Anchorman.” There are times in “Anchorman” that it was so stupid that I had to be whacked upside the head just for thinking that it was real. But in “Talladega Nights,” there were some scenes that just went beyond dumb. It went up dump’s ass, around the corner, and through their nugget-sacs. Even the most believable element in “Talladega Nights” was believable, and that’s saying something.

And the third film that I watched prior to this movie was “The Benchwarmers” and holy-fucky-moly…


“The Benchwarmers” is like Jon Heder thrusting a blanket without realizing that his mom his under it. It’s a sad excuse for a comedy, and a sadder excuse for a movie. “The Benchwarmers” sounds better on paper than actually watching it. It’s like hearing a story about Courtney Love giving rainbow kisses to your schlong; it sounds funny, but what if you were in the schlong’s position? Would you be laughing so goddamn hard?

But I found a reason why I thought “The Benchwarmers” was so funny the first time I watched it, and the worst fucking movie in 2006 after I watched it a second time. Movies like “The Benchwarmers” are not meant to be taken seriously. They will never happen, and I will never be speaking in absolutes. While fart jokes are just jokes, they overdo it and that’s what turns off many people to “The Benchwarmers.” If it was just the idea of three grown men playing against smaller but better kids at a game of baseball, I could enjoy it and possibly say, “Well, you know, it couldn’t happen, but that’s pretty damn funny.”

And “Anchorman” and “Talladega Nights” aren’t movies that are just fart jokes, which is the reason that I liked them. Yes, they are still faker than the tits on that chick to my left, but at least they know that they are fake. The humor in those two films is just random humor. There’s nothing else to it. “The Benchwarmers” is fart jokes, and nothing else but fart jokes. It’s stupid, idiotic, and a completely unfunny film.

So why do I bring these three films up? Well, it just so happens that in “Hot Rod,” it’s all random and no fart jokes. It’s like Akiva Schaffer (“Saturday Night Live”) watched those three PG-13 comedies enough times to realize what went wrong and what went right. It uses random humor and instead of remembering what it was talking about five seconds ago, it forgets it throughout the movie. I don’t know about you, but I like it when films have enough balls to say the saying “Now you see it, and now you don’t.”

But throughout this review, as I compared “Hot Rod” to films like “Anchorman” and “The Benchwarmers,” I haven’t even begun to start my review yet. It’s really funny. It’s like watching an episode of “Jackass” that actually had a point. The jokes just keep coming, and like I said, it’s really random. Thrown in with the jokes are a few musical montages and dance numbers that always seem to finish in a bad note or always get interrupted. Yeah, they even throw in musical montages to show just how random they are. It’s that random. Even one of those MySpace teenagers that say that they are random isn’t as random as this film.

The comedic performances of Samberg and his crew are definitely the highlight of his movie. You have Bill Hader, who makes me laugh in almost everything he’s in. Hell, he is the best part of “Superbad,” which will be next week’s film. One of the scenes he takes some acid, and just the way how he tells the story about how he was tripping on balls, I was rolling on the floor with yellow stains in my boxers. Danny R. McBride plays Rod’s “bodyguard.” He’s never given much time but one scene in the film just added shit into the pissy boxers. He kicks some innocent guy’s ass, played by Ken Kirzinger, or you know him better as Jason from “Freddy vs. Jason.” And there’s Taccone, who just gets his ass kicked throughout the entire movie. He’s one of those people that resemble Dane Cook, so it’s perfectly fine.

“Hot Rod” can’t be without its faults though. Will Arnett, who usually does a fantastic job, isn’t given much here to work with. His role is unfortunately unlikeable and doesn’t really add onto anything. It’s not the first time that this has happened this year; “Blades of Glory” was terrible and Will Arnett was just fantastic in it. “Hot Rod” is without a doubt one of the funniest PG-13 comedies that I’ve seen in a long time. There are laughs, eye candy, and great performances. Do you need anything else to drive you into seeing this movie?


Next week's films are yet to be determined, so stay tuned.