By Buzz Byrne

Bad accents, bad sitcoms, comedians who become unfunny, singers who shouldn’t act and actors who shouldn’t sing. These are my gifts to you for this holiday season. If you have someone on your gift list that you really hate, look up these suggestions on amazon and drop a few bucks for the worst gift ever. It’ll be cheap too. How much could Tina Yothers’ CD cost?

Here's our list of some of the worst ideas that someone in Hollywood got paid to think up. Whether it's just a bad movie, or an ill-advised singing career, these are the top five bad things that should have been squashed when they were first suggested. Thankfully, this photo of a "Knight Rider Meets Different Strokes" episode never happened.





Worst Casting Because the Guy Can’t Do the Accent:

Kevin Costner retired this award with his corn-pone talking Robin Hood in 1991 but before that was a little flick called THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST in 1988. I love this movie. Willem DeFoe makes a great Jesus but nobody is better than Harvey Keitel as Judas…with a Brooklyn accent. Pick it up just for his delivery of the line, “No, YOU listen. Everyday you have different plan!” I know the streets of Jerusalem were mean, but they weren’t the MEAN STREETS. He definitely is THE BAD APOSTLE with that accent. Now I don’t know how Aramaic is supposed to sound but I don’t think they talk like that in Bensonhurst. Hey! I’m proselytizin’ ova heer!!









Worst Idea for a Sitcom that Actually Became a Sitcom:

I think this is what CAVEMEN was going for but something felt short even in their quest for true awfulness. The winner has to be the ill-fated, ill-conceived, just plain ill NBC product from the fall of 2001, EMERIL. It’s like NBC decided that after 9/11 America should never laugh ever again and this was their effort to that end. It was awful. It was horrendous. I watched two episodes just to be sure and I’m pretty confident Emeril Lagasse never watched two episodes. I think Emeril is a charming personality and he probably is a better chef than the clown he plays on his cooking shows, but this…Bigger talents than he have banned from show biz for lesser crimes.





Worst Movie by a Really Funny Comedian:

In 1983 Bill Cosby released his comedy concert film BILL COSBY: HIMSELF. He talks without a script or pause, weaving his stories and jokes with the ease of a master craftsman, for an hour and a half. In 1987 he released the movie LEONARD PART 6 and scored a hat trick of Razzies for worst Actor, Film and Screenplay. This should be Bill’s category. But…also in 1987 Eddie Murphy released his follow up comedy concert film EDDIE MURPHY RAW. In it he mocks Cosby for his puritanical take on foul language. Murphy exhibits all the comedic skills that propelled him to superstardom- dead on mimicry, precise timing and sharp writing. Truly one of the best comedy concert films ever. But in 2003, Murphy had his own stinker of epic proportions. He has never been shy to make an awful movie but rarely has a star so big made a flop so big as he did with THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH. There is quite a bit of talent in the movie but nobody could overcome this script. And it looks like nobody tried. It was a flop to end all flops. Big budget, awful reviews and no box office receipts. It looks like they got three days into shooting the thing and everybody just gave up. If you can watch this movie without being thrown into an epileptic fit from comedy failure that is constant, then you are better viewer than I. I say Eddie gets the win in this category.

Actors Who Shouldn’t Sing…But Have

This is an amazing list to choose from. In fact this guy has a comprehensive list with album covers. How do you choose? Two Vulcans, Uhura and Data put out albums. Maddie and David from MOONLIGHTING put out albums. Bo and Luke Duke put out albums. Crockett and Tubbs. Potsie, Ralph Malph and Chiachi. Wonder Woman, Cat Woman and Ironman. They all got songwriters, producers and musicians to work on albums that they released. Chrystal Bernard from WINGS put out an album and I bet she wasn’t the best singer on that show. Chris Burke from LIFE GOES ON released an album. I can’t make a joke about that without getting fired. So how do you choose the best of the worst? Here’s my pick: Stephen Collins, the minister father from SEVENTH HEAVEN who put out an album of “Vintage rock and roll, do-wop and ballads.” Do you want to hear the dad from SEVENTH HEAVEN sing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”? This is music to hang yourself to. I’m pretty sure if I was forced to listen to the closing number on the album, “Rock a Hula Baby” I would be willing to break all of my own fingers with a ball-peen hammer to make it stop.


Singers Who Shouldn’t Act…But Have

This was formerly known as “The Jagger” for Mick’s portrayal of billionaire villain Victor Vacendak in 1992’s FREEJACK. Maybe the worst acting captured on celluloid. But then a phenomena hit in 1997 and nobody has recovered. A little indie flick called SPICE WORLD featuring The Spice Girls. Much like metaphysics, there are layers here that I can’t begin to understand. A make-believe musical group in a movie about the make-believe group and their hardships making it in a fictional movie as they get pitched ridiculous film scripts. The girls get this award because they shouldn’t be singers first of all, but then to turn an utter lack of musical talent into another medium where they display an amazing lack of acting talents…like I said, the mind boggles. John Cleese who was in THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH turned down a cameo for this movie. If you really hate someone, this is the gift to get them. It’s timely as well since the Spice Girls have recently released their greatest hits album, which clearly shows that someone in the record business just plain hates all of humanity.